I felt It's another mistake. Trying to make thing work, when she is already moved on, when she already liked someone.To do thing when they are now so fucked.. I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulder. I've been think sooo much since we've met. Your life, is now without me and I'm like a stranger, standing outside trying to look what is behind the thick wall. We've try it all. Butterflies in my stomach turned into knifes. The feeling of losting you for now and ever. I'm not lying but it seems like everything I say is like a lie. I cant love you and I cant hate you. I'm not fine without you. You keep on say that you cant give me 100%, You call me to move on when I find the right girl. 2 years and counting. Where is that girl to you say will appear? That only one girl whom really loves me. The perfect girl that you say are better than you? It just doesnt exist. So what if i have a zillion of hot pretty friends? I am close with some of them, but what will it bring? The girls I liked, the girls whom I am close with, are just friends. Tho I really want to be with them and make it happen. WE just cant break off from the boarders of friendship. They wouldnt want to break that off and every single one of them will say the same exact words. "Ivan, you're a good guy, you can find someone better" God damn it, I do not want someone better! I do not want perfect. I just want a simple girl, simple relationship. It doesnt make sense right if I know alot of female friends but I dont like them? Even thou I liked them, they are just not interested in ME. rewinding back. Yes, I do admit I was one hell of a jerk and even worst and I know karma is biting me back. HARD. my confidence, every ounce of them are tearing up apart. breaking my sense of security, pulling me down into the abyss , filling me with darkness, inject me nothing but loneliness. What I've gain these two years? Female friends that takes me just as friends, Endless party, INSECURE, EMPTINESS and everything I had lost.

I do not need a relationship, I WANT a relationship.

I am not happy now, I am happier when I am in a relationship.

Someone please undestand me.

Everyone have a hidden side of their own.

Hidden in the dark abyss in their heart.

That shy element that lives in you feeds on you mistakes, growing stronger and stronger with every step that you fuck up. Taking advantage to corrupt your heart with every single chance it has. I felt that since a long time ago. But never took action, even now. I really fear what I do now is something that I will fall some part in life. To think certain things, people will definately think the otherwise. My darkness really fears me. What did I went wrong? I really wonder. Everything is such a blurr.

Alot happened recently, Its hard to explain it into words.

When people tells you how you'd gonna end up in 20 years.

It put chills in your spine and it just like a stab in the heart.

I've been clear on alcohol and also free from clubs for month and the days are still counting.

People always say things that might pull you down but then,

Don't be discouraged. Whatever don't kill you makes you stronger.

Things I want now in life and the things I want to do is like so different since I hit my 20th birthday compared to the time I was 19. I've been thinking alot to life. What I want in life. What I gonna do and etc. No one knows the future but I am really trying to figure out what will happen.

Saying is easy but realizing it is never once easy.

REWIND

I just attended a Fahion Show Party.

People socialize here rather than dancing their hearts off.

The Upper society is where I belong.

Whats wrong with the world. The world is just so wrong today.
What is the fun by hurting people? Its just a saddist way to seek pleasure.

Lamps

Did you ever think, WHY the street lamps are mostly in warm yellowish tone than a white light?

What if I sleep today and wake up tomorrow a differen person in a different place. Can I choose who I want to? A person that is loved and beloved? If given another chance will you choose to change any part of your life? For me I'd say no as there are parts of my life are too valuable and precious to change nor forget. I been through alot that a normal teenager won't experience and also didn't experience some teenagers also do. 

I'm insecure about relationships, lacking of self confidence and with that big ego of mine. I lost the biggest part of my life. To open my eyes wide enough and notice who really cared. Being at 20, I've been through hack of situations and various of shitholes. However the one thing that I can get hold on is love. The border line between friendship and relationship is never set and never have a standard. The border line can stretch from a limited to unlimited boundaries. Setting the standard is always a no no. Thinking that I'm good in love and being over confident is what happen to me. Crash and burn. While seeking for a secure relationship, I lost my path. Sacrificing happiness and also whatever goodness in me. Resulting that I care too much and then mixed feelings come into play and fuck up every single thing that you establish since day one and complicates almost everything. I can't deny that people takes me as a freaking player, playboy, or man whore. What ever it is I never regretted a single second that I had a life like this. Yes, I can't deny that I do wish for a sweet simple relationship, but I guess when it comes to relationship. It will never ever be simple. NEVER by a single chance. I do admit certain couples i know are darn sweet some are seriously fucked up. I adore those who have a sweet one. Wishing that mine will be like theirs and swear those who really don't fit and try no matter how things are fucked between them. Wishing for one workable relationship ain't gonna work. So now, imma work on my mojo, self esteem and charisma. Things are really working when you open your ears an listen to what people say about you, As you won't realize what is wrong with yourself. Working on mistakes, do and dont's are baby steps will be a good start. Having a life and proper life will just boost self confidence and self esteem. Nevertheless I will continue working on it.